Cid's Blog
by Captain Volcano
Summary: Cid Highwind has a lot of things to complain about, from yaoi to music to food. This is purely comedic and humorous, not designed to offend anyone. Rated M for naughty bits and naughty language. R & R & Have a good laugh!


Fanfic

Author's Note: I do not own FF VII or anything else that I make reference to. This is made for comedic purposes, not to offend anyone. The views of Cid are not necessarily my own.

Cid's Blog "Shit that grinds my gears": Yaoi

**Cid:** Now, I'm only going to say this once. Yaoi-fanfiction the worst goddamn thing anyone can do anyone! Cloud has been complaining to me for months now, telling me how fangirls…and fanboys…go ape shit whenever they read that he got sodomized by Sephiroth's "Masamune," or violated by Vincent's "Gillian Beast," or even penetrated by Zack's big ol' "Buster Sword." He comes to ME whenever he reads that he got gangbanged by Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz! I'm the one who has to hear the graphic details of how some fan-fiction writer had the bright idea of making Cloud's mouth a sperm bank! Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mind if someone is gay, straight, bi-sexual, or anything in between…like "hetero-flexible"…or whatever you call it… That's their business, live and let live! But goddamn it, stop writing homo-erotic fanfic's about Cloud's ass being a "pin cushion" for penises! Normally, I wouldn't give a shit if someone wrote some gay erotica. But when I'm the one that little bastard complains too, shit gets personal! And so help me God, if I find that fucker who wrote that I, Cid Highwind, did a "Dragon Dive" in Cloud's fanny, I'll rip him a new one…wait…forget I said that!!

Here is a conversation that Cloud and I had on AIM last Monday. While I was sitting in my crib, watching "House," that fucker decides to "IM" (instant message, in case you were born last century) me and described the horrific things that some people made him do:

**Cloud Strife (9:04pm):** Cid!

**Could Strife (9:07pm):** CID!!

**Cloud Strife (9:08pm):** AAAAAH!!

**Cid Highwind (9:10pm):** DA FUCK YOU WANT?! IM WATCHIN HOUSE, YOU ASS-HAT!

**Cloud Strife (9:10pm):** They made me take it up the butt, Cid! ( o )

**Cloud Strife (9:** **13pm):** CID!!

**Cid Highwind (9:14pm):** u were being serious…?

**Cloud Strife: (9:14pm):** omfg yea! They made me get gangbanged by Zack, Vincent, and Sephiroth!

**Cid Highwind (9:16pm):** ….they "made" you? Who is "they?" wtf are you talking bout?

**Cloud Strife (9:16pm):** Yea they made me!! I'll copy n' paste! Here, read!

**Cid Highwind (9:18pm):** …read what?

**Cloud Strife (9:19pm):** Cloud positioned himself on the bed, his chest against the soft pillow. He pulled his pants down below his knees, exposing his soft and eager backside. Sephiroth approached him from behind, his long hair strands tickling Cloud's exposed back. Before Cloud got a chance to giggle, he felt Sephiroth's long, fleshy rod penetrate into his body. Cloud squirmed in pain, feeling Sephiroth push himself deeper.

**Cid Highwind (9:20pm):** OH

**Cid Highwind (9:20pm):** MY

**Cid Highwind (9:20pm):** FUCKING

**Cid Highwind (9:20pm):** GOD

**Cid Highwind (9:21pm):** IM GONNA FUCKING VOMIT!

**Cloud Strife (9:21pm):** There's more!

**Cloud Strife (9:21pm): **Cloud's head jerked up as he felt the rest Sephiroth's meat make it in. When he did so, he saw Vincent and Zack standing over him, fully naked. Cloud gasped at the size of their tools, his mouth watering with anticipation. Without any hesitation, Cloud wrapped his hand around their cocks and pulled them in closer to his face. "I hope I handle all three of you," Cloud squealed, realizing that Sephiroth had been pounding him from behind. "It's going to be a long night," Zack said, pushing Cloud's head down on his piece. "It sure is," Vincent added, letting Cloud jerk him off.

**Cloud Strife (9:21pm):** can you believe it?! EEEW!

**Cloud Strife (9:29pm):** Cid?

**Cloud Strife (9:32pm):** …Cid?

**Cloud Strife (9:47pm):** Did the story gross you out, Cid…?

**Cid Highwind went away at 9:47pm**

This wasn't the first time he's sent crap like that to me. FUCK! I mean seriously, why the fuck does he complain to me?! Yuffie loves that yaoi crap. She even wrote some herself. How do I know? Because Cloud sends that shit to me! That fucker loves to complain!! What the fuck is a "rim job?" Or a "corn-hole?" Or even a "brown pinky?" And what in God's name is a fucking "dirty Sanchez?" You know what, don't tell me. I don't even wanna know. But, please. Stop writing yaoi fanfics involving Cloud. I don't care if it's with anyone else…wait…don't write about me either…fuckers…

PS: Including Zack in yaoi is fucking gross. That guy died, like, 2 fucking years ago. I'm sure some people like get off to necrophilia, but I'm not one of them. Fuckin' weirdos…


End file.
